It keeps feeling like the bandages are getting ripped off too quickly and so painfully:

• 11/28 with Dr. L: "I've always had good blood pressure except when I was pregnant"

• 12/14 with therapist: "two pregnancies, one miscarriage, one live birth" and "the DCFS investigation was closed in September"

• 12/15 with attorney: "that was the first time I found out ex hurt Kiddo" and "he had reduced visitation this year because he was being investigated for a felony"

• 12/15 from Kiddo's therapist 1: "I am really upset no one has contacted me about this and that you're in this situation"

• 12/21 with Dr. T: long list of medications for chronic condition and insomnia

• 12/22 from Kiddo's therapist 2: "Oh... Dad won't work on this with Kiddo over break? ..."

Today, I'm reading Fredrick Backman's latest, The Winners, and he writes about parenthood so perfectly (and heart-wrenchingly). I read a passage about when a baby is first born, how it feels so terrifying to be left in charge of that tiny person, how carefully we behave to make sure they're ok, "The way your heart reflexively grabbed hold of your lungs when five tiny fingers took hold of one of yours and didn't let go" (358).

I was flooded with memories. That hasn't been so easy for me lately; apparently, it's common for people who have experienced trauma to have repressed memories. I'm exhausted by the barrage of emotions now.

I had healed from the grief and pain I felt when ex left me alone, in the hospital, for a week while my labor was induced. He would come for short visits and once came and fought with me about not staying so he could be home for the cat, all while I was on bed rest and afraid my baby or I would die (I had read up so much on preeclampsia). One nurse came in when ex stormed out and my heart rate and blood pressure rose dangerously. I wish that was the moment I ended the marriage. I was so exhausted and lonely in those first few weeks, struggling with breastfeeding and with the preeclampsia that wouldn't subside.

I'm frustrated because I can usually be much more mindful about all of these emotions and memories, but right now, they feel invasive and they keep washing over me. I had healed and was living the life Kiddo and I have been building together, and I'm angry because it feels like I'm being pulled down.

It's New Year's Eve, and I'm trying to do my usual reflecting on the wonderful experiences I've had with Kiddo this year and what my goals are for next year, and I'm just so down. I've been unfocused, unmotivated, sad, tired, trying to push through and also trying to accept the rest I need.

I keep thinking about the day Kiddo had to go to dad's for winter break, the day after Christmas. Leading up to the day, K kept crying because they didn't want to go, climbing into my lap, and falling asleep. That morning, the same thing happened, but Kiddo seemed to feel a bit better by the time I took a quick shower.

I came out to find K lying on the living room floor, curled up, and quietly crying.